Bullets from the Bulletproof

I love Luke Cage. I came to it blind, having never read any of the comics in the past, and that was a feeling to revel in. I did the exact same thing for Jessica Jones and was not disappointed, so it felt right to do the same for Luke.

It's an odd feeling; the excitement of something new in a space that I have grown up in. All of a sudden I have this opportunity to have the rug pulled from me and look at something completely fresh. I was not disappointed.

This however is not a review of Luke Cage, nor Jessica Jones or anything to do with MCU or DC. This is about me. This is a call.

This year has been a shit show, in fact I'm going to leave it to a much funnier Brit than me to sum up this year:

That's about right Mr Oliver. In fact I could literally create an entire blog on every definition of 2016. 

I could use alot of sociological background to talk about it, but that in the words of Zoe Washburne would be "too much foofarah"

I got words, and I got them because of my husband. To explain, we were having a tense conversation and he said to me, tearfully, "Baby, we all thought you were bulletproof." Thus the seed was sewn. 

I have been in near constant pain in one way or another since Dec 2015. It was bad enough to put me in hospital in January 2016 and I still have no diagnosis. I've had surgery and along the way been treated with disdain, contempt, disinterest, vagueness which has become straight up rudeness in most of my interaction with the NHS. I can count on one hand those medical personnel who have actually treated me with kindness and sympathy. 

When your own GP is banging his head on the desk at the way you've been treated, you know that something is truly rotten in the state of Denmark. The main issue is that not only are they not sure what is wrong but I have committed the sin of being overweight, eating a balanced diet and up until this all kicked off was steadily losing weight through a regime of Shaun T and Chalean Johnson. My sin is that I don't have high blood pressure, am not diabetic, anaemic or have high cholesterol. I know this because I've been tested for this all over 15 times this year. At one point I was told that my bloods were "surprisingly good".

I've had surgery, which added new symptoms and was unsuccessful. I couldn't work for 3 months and that ol pain is still there. Icepick sharp, stomach first, then down. It bites, crawls insidiously and pulls at everything from my waist down. Sometimes, it burns...almost like a xenomorph dripping its' toxic blood on nerves and muscles. Then the fatigue, a wave that wants to envelop you and shut you down. The world slips away and sparkles with bright painful light. You know that if you give in, its lights out so you fight it, with the little you have. I'll spare you the description of my menstruation.

None of this takes into consideration the emotional toil, the side effects of drugs, the weight of isolation and the pressure on family.

I wish I was Luke Cage. I wish I was bulletproof. 

I know that there are people out there suffering more than me. But we do that now, we diminish our pain, we judge it against a societal expectation that it's not enough, so it doesn't count. BUT it does count and it doesn't abide.

As I thought about this blog and a bulletproof black man in 2016 and the desire as a black woman to also be bulletproof and impervious to pain, I realised that actually Luke Cage isn't bulletproof. A combination of events changes the elasticity in his skin so he receives the impact differently. In a rudimentary sense, it bends. Just like Wolverine, it still hurts.

That's why I'm moved to write. When you are strong, people depend on it, they build structures around that interpretation of the truth, like Luke Cage is bulletproof. The reality is that I feel that strong people are pliable because they have battled; they are callused in places, bending and pushing back further. But it still hurts.

I have experienced what it is like when people think you are strong and then you have to be weak. You have to rebuild, the new callused flesh must take hold and some folks become afraid because you have to challenge that idea. Emotionally that's as much as the physical pain and that was depressing enough.

So...here I stand. I am facing another invasive surgery in 4 days. My lips tremble, I'm frightened and I'm writing about a superhero. I am fighting the enclosing dark using my treasured weapons of words, sarcasm and nerdiness. I want to be bulletproof but even in this state there are others I wish were more bulletproof able to withstand all that is being thrown at them right now. My lesbian friends in the US, my people here, the people in Aleppo, Syria, everyone scared by the rise of the right.

What I am trying to say is that people are more than a phrase. More than ever, we must remember that and we must fight. We must challenge our own ideas and thoughts, now more than ever before. It's not about being bulletproof. It's about combining and being there more than ever so the bullets won't be fired. Maybe the strong person needs to be held. Maybe we need to just stop the bullshit and be there more than ever for those struggling. It's also self preservation...we cannot just depend on ideas, we need to put boot to ass.

So I'm sorry I haven't blogged loads this year, but I haven't been asleep at the wheel. I've been dealing and now I'm confessing that I'm not strong. I'm callused but hopefully, I'm getting back up to fight whatever is coming. These words are a way for me to remind myself that I've got me and a reminder that we should have each other.

Thanks for your time, much love xx

Fuck 2016

"Never backwards, Always Forward"

"Jayne, your mouth is talking. You might wanna look to that."

About a few years ago, I spotted my really talented and awesome friend Derek Bremner, who was sporting a “Joss Whedon is my Master now” T-shirt. Only the deep resounding love I have for Del (combined with the fact that the t-shirt would look a little bit like The Hulk on me), stopped me from ripping this from him and claiming the spoils as my own.

That was a few years ago. Fast forward to 12^th June 2013 and I am hot, bothered and fidgeting with anticipation at attending ‘A Conversation with Joss Whedon’ at the BFI Southbank.

Joss Whedon is someone whom I greatly respect. Back in the day, I came home one night from a very late gig to see the end of Buffy and watch as she finally had sex with Angel and then to my horror, watch him become Angelus….roll credits..Say what now?! I had initially avoided Buffy. The film was still fresh in my mind and I didn’t relish the idea of watching said cheerleader in varying degrees of live action Scooby Doo and the gang type adventures.

 

Talk about getting it wrong. One of the amazing things about Mr Whedon is having the ability to know what it is we want to see. We see that thing and then we need to see more. I wanted to hate Buffy but how the hell could I? Don’t get me wrong, there are episodes where I have been very tempted to find Mr Whedon and ask him what the hell he is playing at (see Season 4, Riley arc in particular, exception Hush) but then he comes up and delivers not only the things I need to see but forces me to watch the things I really didn’t want to. You have to be a stone cold sonofabitch not to melt at ‘The Body’.

So here I am and so it begins and I won’t go into a blow by blow about everything he said. What I can say is that being in his presence is inspiring. He talked about his despair about the lack of great females characters in television and movies. That for all the Buffy achieved, we still haven’t got there. He spoke of the fact that especially in the horror franchise, we just have characters that seem to be cannon fodder who we don’t engage with, we just watch them get hacked to bits. And then there was Firefly…

I initially was a huge sceptic about Firefly, probably not helped by my husband describing it as Space Cowboys by Whedon……not impressed. Then I saw the first episode, well the end of the episode where said villain is monologing and just when I was thinking, “Why does no-one ever just shoot these guys in the head or something?!” Captain Mal Reynolds blows said villain out of the airlock. This assured 2 things, firstly that I would have a penchant for Nathan Fillion (reconciling my fear of him from Buffy Season 7) and a swift reminder not to underestimate the power of the Whedon. I watched and loved it and was gutted when it was cancelled but with the help of my fellow geeks and Whedonites, I got to a happy place about the whole thing, assuring myself that at least it never stayed around to get shit. Then Joss went and ruined it all.

Hearing him talk about it, adding the emotion of this fully formed show that didn’t have to become something, because it was already there was just heart-breaking. It was like going thru the whole thing again as he charted the rise and fall of Firefly. I could not help but shake my fists at the world and ask, “Why God wwwwhhhhyyyyy!”

You could listen to Joss be insightful and self-deprecating and well, just pretty damn awesome for the entire night. It was a tremendous experience, which merely happened through a twist of fate but the best thing to come out of it was the answer to a question. The question was the typical, “How do I be a writer and get into the industry?” It’s a question that the world never stops asking of people like Joss, how did you do it? How come you got there? Gimme the guide, gimme anything?! And I once again had to bow to this man for what he said, “If you want to be a writer then why aren’t you writing? You have to do it. There are so many avenues now so just do it, write, get your stuff out there.” Just like that…BOOM! This is a guy who has had varying degrees of success. There are a lot of ‘couldn’t happens’ that come along with Joss. I remember hearing when he was originally touted as the director for Avengers the naysayers queued up in droves. For a second I held my breath because I knew that if he blew this then that would be it.

That night inspired me to keep going, to put my words out there because it’s something that I love to do and am pretty good at. The sheer tenacity of the man, made me fix the hell up, stop being afraid and put pen to paper for an audience. So here I am, my mind now fixed on watching some Firefly but mainly grateful for the experience of listening to the insights of a great writer.

Enjoy my latest alcoholic offering while remembering that I can kill you with my brain….so just to be safe look out for my next blog.

Sereni-Tea (Firefly/Serenity cocktail) – Courtesy of The Drunken Moogle

Ingredients:

1oz Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka

¾ oz Captain Morgan’s Original Spiced Rum

¾ oz silver tequila

¾ oz gin

1oz sour mix

Sweet Tea

Coca-cola

Lemon

Directions: Shake all ingredients, except for the sweet tea and cola, with ice and pour in a highball glass.  Top off with an even mix of cola and sweet tea and garnish with a lemon wedge. Toast to the Independents and drink up! This variation of the classic Long Island Iced Tea cocktail is also known as Browncoat Tea.